Friday, June 10, 2005
| I Would Kick Anne Heche in the Cunt if I Could YAY FRIDAY! And even bigger yay cuz Monday and Tuesday is the Shavuot holiday and I’m off from work until Wednesday! As I said last week, being fake Jewish is SO the best. In fact, I fully just circumcised myself in honor of the upcoming holiday. The foreskin is sitting idly on my desk. Staring at me with its bloody eyes. Ok, like I wasn’t circumcised to begin with. You people will believe anything. My stomach is on a major rampage today. Hey…do you remember that Nintendo game called “Rampage”? It was the one where you got to be a dinosaur or a huge gorilla and then destroy whole cities and eat people as they ran away? It was like the lamest game ever, but I was obsessed with it. Mostly because I like any game where you get to eat innocent people and ruin their familie’s lives forever. Guess who WON’T be coming to Thanksgiving dinner this year? Your father, cuz I ate him as he ran away from my gorilla hands. Anyways…my parents are coming down tomorrow for a fun day in the city. I was going to take them to CNN and do a tour of their facility, but it turns out that the actual studios are in Atlanta. I mean, it makes TONS of sense that there would be signs in Manhattan for a CNN tour that only happens in Atlanta. Sometimes I want to smack the stupid shit out of people. And then I would eat their shit like the big gorilla in “Rampage”. I saw the movie Meet the Fockers this week. Was THAT a steaming pile of douche or what? Damn…way to ruin a decent original. I have to admit that Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand gave wonderful performances, but it wasn’t enough to save a tragically flawed script and execution. In fact, I didn’t laugh out loud once. Even when they flushed the dog down the toilet and almost ate foreskin fondue. I love envelope pushing, but I don’t love envelope pushing just to push. There should be a follow through, right? Or at least, right? Right? Right vs. might? Light? Trite? Rainbow Brite? I love rhymes. Thymes. Ray Fimes. Anyways…I was searching through Moviefone.com today for some movie suggestions to give Kelly and I discovered the trailer for the new Rent movie! I have to be gayly honest when I say that tears filled my eyes when I saw it. Rent is by far my most favoritest musical ever. In fact, I’ve seen it 7 times on Broadway and two of those times I was in the front row. I know (just about) every word to the show and my friends and I still belt out certain numbers when we’ve had a few drinks. This will be the first movie in a very long time where I will buy my tickets way in advance and be at the theatre uber early to get the perfect seat. Oh man, there are few things in my life that I get THIS excited about. The only thing that could top it would be getting cast in the actual show. If that is all that I ever do with my acting career, I could totally die happy. You know what my stomach just said to me? It said “Fuck you mister man!” What the fuck is up with it today? I’m so nauseous for absolutely no reason. I didn’t drink last night. In fact, I barely ate yesterday at all. Fuck my stomach. FUCK YOU Mister Stomach man! Tonight I will probably be going to the movies with Paul. I know I should be seeing Star Wars and I DO want to see it. But most of me wants to see Crash and the maniac in me wants to see High Tension, mostly cuz the lead girl looks like a much cooler version of Anne Heche. I can’t stand Anne Heche and her crazy, fake lesbian, bullshit. Not that we have to discuss that anymore today. I’m so glad Ellen ended up with Portia De Rossi. She’s kind of a bitch, but she’s much prettier and way more talented than Heche ever was. Whoops. Sorry. I said we weren’t talking about Heche’s nut bag self anymore today. Alright…peace in the middle east y’all! I’ll try to stop in here on Monday and Tuesday for an update, but if not…don’t miss me too much! HAPPY FRIDIZZLE! (fuck off heche) |
